Today in Servant Leadership the preacher started off by showing a video of a woman who was crying on a park bench, speaking to "us" about how she was a non-believer and how her life was so empty because she knew that she was a bad person and begging "us" to come share what we have learned with her, and then she says "I will tell you to go away, I will tell you I do not need god, I will justify my way of life, I will make fun of you but don't stop trying to convince me." Then he goes on to talk about prayer and starts giving statistics about ONE study done in 1986 where a prayer group prayed for 396 patients undergoing heart surgery. It was a double blind study so the patients and caregivers did not know which names were being prayed for. Well they results were supposed to be staggering, like only 3 people who were prayed for required antibiotics, while 6 who were not prayed for did, so even though these 9 people make up only about four percent of the whole group (which he did not point out) He only focused on the fact that the ones who were prayed for did 75% better. He kept saying this was undeniable scientific proof. It's a good thing I'm on Prozac or I might have caused a scene! So then the preacher goes on with more statistics about how 89% of Americans pray and that out of those 89% 78% consider themselves believers He goes on to say"so there are 11% of people who pray, but believe there is nothing out there hearing them...c'mon how stupid is that" This was followed by laughter and comments of agreement from the class. The preacher then decides that we as a group are going to pray for something and see what happens so he goes down the row one by one asking for suggestions. I was about the 4th person called on and I said, "Well I'm not going to say anything, or I would be one of the stupid 11%." After this every single person called on decided that as a class we need to pray for me to find the love and peace and forgiveness of god( while they did not say my name specifically it was like "I think we should pray that people in this class who don't believe blaha bala blah...") I am now a class project.

I never thought it would be this hard

I am an atheist attending a Christian college. It is the only four-year college in my area, so my only other option is uprooting my family if I want to graduate. I thought that it probably wouldn't be so bad, that I'd just do my time and graduate and be done. I have nothing against Christians I just cannot believe in Christianity myself.
Notice I said I cannot believe. I do not think faith or lack of faith is a choice or a decision it is either an ability or inability, but this is a topic for another post. Back to why my school sucks.
First of all the Art department is a joke! My Aesthetics class is taught by the head of the Art department. On our first day of class we were talking about the principles of design, specifically line. He said "line is an effective design element because in the bible it says 'Jesus is the vine' and so God created line to emulate what Jesus would become." How am I supposed to swallow that?
Then in my first drawing class we drew nautilus shells because these shells are what proved to my professor that evolution was not possible. I have no idea how I kept my mouth shut.
I was required to take two religion classes this semester so I was taking intro to the New Testament, because I figured it could at least be interesting. I dropped that class after the professor insisted that if one did not believe in God then they were selfish and automatically lived horrible sinful lives and were stupid. Yes, he called me stupid.
The other class I cannot drop it is absolutely required along with going to chapel every week, yes they scan your I.D. cards at the door, and if you skip you fail the semester. Anyway this class is called Servant Leadership. It is a class taught by a preacher and a professor. In this class they show videos about how only Christians are good people and all other religions are false and selfish. It is also supposed to teach us how to be good people and put others first. I am a mother I already do that 24/7. The first day of class we had to stand up and tell everyone where we were at on our "religious journey." I decided I would not lie so I told them that I did not believe in god and that I was here out of convenience. Two people then invited me to lunch to tell me about Jesus. I am now the outcast. Everyone prays for me and feels sorry for me, they put their hands on my head and ask god to come into my heart. It makes me feel so violated.
First of all the consensus among these people (and I do not mean Christians I mean those in my class and my teachers) is that the only way someone becomes an atheist is if they believe the world is a terrible place and that they cannot believe in a god who would create such terrible conditions. They can't understand that I think the world is beautiful every last piece of it, they can't understand how Science can comfort me more than their god can. The won't understand that because I believe in Science that every "ugly" thing like floods and cancer and murder all make sense. That I believe no one is being smited or saved,but it all still makes sense.
They also automatically assume that because I am an atheist that I am some sort of monster, that I hold nothing dear and that I live selfishly. They also assume that I am out to convert believers into non-believers, I understand thought that every belief system and religion has it's place in the world I am not out to change anyone's mind. I'm not the one going on mission trips.
So I just got my midterm assignment:
Mark 12:30 reminds us to love God with all our Heart, Mind, Soul and Strength. We have been working our way through each of these areas:
A God-like heart
A Christ-like mind
A Spirit-like soul
A Servant Leader’s passionate strengths

Consider your stability and weakness in regard to these areas. Drawing from Pastor Andy’s lectures, readings, and group discussions, in three pages, describe where your Christ-centered leadership skills are.

How is your God-like heart, your Christ-like mind and your Spirit-like soul?
In what areas do you excel compared to the areas in which you need work?
How are these strengths/weaknesses manifest in a practical sense?
In what ways might these strengths/weaknesses affect your career path?

NOTE: Cite at least one assigned reading and two of Pastor Andy’s lectures.

I have no idea how to do this and stay true to what I believe.

By the way this is my last semester at this college.

I've decided..

I don't want anyone who knows me in real life to find this blog. Especially my mother.

I feel a little guilty getting nostalgic

When I was 24 I met a guy at a jazz party in a town 150 miles away. I ended up going back to his house with him (did I mention I was stupid when I was 24?) We just talked and talked until the sun came up. Exchanged numbers etc. He told me he was a writer and gave me his xanga site. He is an amazing writer and he wrote a couple of things about his one meeting with me that ended up getting published in a magazine.We kind of kept touch through this, but not really. Well August of that same year he called and said that he was in my town and I invited him over. That encounter was a little different than the first and we ended up sleeping together. I was so naive, we never talked again after that. Well today I was feeling nostalgic and just checked to see if he still had a xanga site. Well he does and he is still writing about me. It's just all so bizarre. What he wrote wasn't flattering, and it wasn't mean, it was honest. It was so honest and beautiful. I wish I could write well, and even though I am ashamed of my one-night stand I feel honored to be a muse. I feel lucky to inspire such honest beautiful words and to have a place in such a mind that can arrange phrases so gymnastically.

An envelope would have sufficed.

So I got home from running some errands and found a package addressed to me waiting on the doorstep. I did not order anything recently so I have no idea what it could be, however I did just have surgery and people like to do things like tell you that they are praying for you and send you things when they find out you had surgery. So I was kind of excited.

After nearly stabbing myself with a screw driver I finally got it open to find...

a grey piece of cardboard.
Which I lifted up to find...

two xeroxed brochures about eating healthy.
Yay for insurance.

Be gentle I'm a virgin.

I have never blogged before for one reason:
Fear of being a hypocrite.
I constantly judge people on their misuse of grammar and punctuation while mine is not that great.